


Idiots at Law

by thelotusflower



Category: South Park
Genre: AU, Attempt at Humor, Banter, Getting Together, Humor, Kissing, M/M, Underage Drinking, late night adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:01:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28707819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelotusflower/pseuds/thelotusflower
Summary: Based on the Dialogue Prompt:“Wow, I never thought you’d be stupid enough to try and do this.”“Well, you’re here with me, so that makes you stupid too.”-After being accused of never bringing any booze to the party, Kyle and Craig are exiled until they can find booze. They end up breaking into Kyle’s dad law office to do so. Instead of returning with booze for their friends, they end up getting drunk in the law office and taking their friendship to the next level.
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Craig Tucker
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38
Collections: JBK and Lotus Cryle One Shots





	Idiots at Law

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO,
> 
> Shout out to my love/husband/everything, JewBoyKahl for doing these prompts with me and putting together a little collection together where we can both file them. :) They are THE BEST EVER~!!!!

“So, we’ve come to the general consensus that we will _not_ be sharing with you two tonight for these reasons,” Cartman and Clyde stood on opposite sides of Token’s 70 inch TV, powerpoint pulled on screen, Clyde pointing to the screen with a pencil.

“Is a slide show really necessary?” Craig sat on the couch, narrowing his eyes on the screen. Token sat beside him, resting his chin on his palm. Kyle sat on the other side with furrowed eyebrows and a heavy frown.

“Stan — what the fuck is this?” Kyle whipped his head around to his friend who sat on the opposite couch, lips smacked together awkwardly.

“Kyle, you’ve been mooching _far_ too long; now, I know that it runs in your blood but being a jew is no excuse for —,”

“Shut the fuck up!” Kyle nearly shouted, standing up. Cartman ignored him and clicked to the next slide.

Clyde looked startled but continued on after clearing his throat. “Out of the whole group, we have come to the conclusion that those who provide the _least_ amount of booze are Craig and Kyle,” he pointed his pencil to the screen which displayed photos of the two.

Craig shook his head and rolled his eyes.

Kyle turned redder, fists clenching. “Where is this going?” he demanded.

“If you would just sit down and watch the power point -!” Cartman flailed his arms.

“I don’t want to watch a fucking power point fat ass!” he charged over to the chubbier male, about to grab him by the neck when Stan stepped up to extend his arm out, stopping him.

“Okay — okay, Jesus,” Stan looked over to Clyde and Cartman, “I said this was a bad idea.”

“What was a bad idea, Stan?”

“Making a power point. I said we should just _tell_ you.”

“Tell me what?” Kyle crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes on his super best friend.

Stan sucked in a breath. His eyes fluttered to Craig who still resided on the couch, looking mildly irritated. He looked back at Kyle. “Well, you and _Craig._ So. You guys almost _never_ bring any booze. Everyone else always has to share… and well, tonight, we don’t have a ton, so… Well, we are nominating you two to go find some.”

Kyle twisted his eyebrows in. “I bring my own alcohol!” he claimed.

Stan cocked his head, smacking his lips together.

“This is why we needed the presentation,” Cartman mumbled from the sideline with a huff.

“Do I really not?” Kyle prompted his super best friend with a frown, his voice softening.

“You haven’t in awhile, dude,” Stan shrugged. “Ever since your dad hid away all his liquor at his law firm.”

Kyle frowned. “Well — yeah, I mean, how? Where am I supposed to get it?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Cartman declared, walking over. He turned to Craig and pulled him by the wrist to get him off the couch. Craig growled out some profanity at the chubby male, but walked over to Kyle after with an eye roll.

  
“Do I really have to do this?” Craig drawled, turning his head to Token who still sat on the couch, looking amused.

“You never bring anything, dude.”

Craig groaned and sighed, letting his shoulders fall.

“I hate you all,” Kyle declared to the room before he turned to leave.

Craig flipped them off and followed the redhead.

They made their way out of the mansion and down the courtyard to the front of the house. Once they were outside the gate, Kyle sighed. “Got any ideas?” he asked the noirette.

Craig shrugged. “I can’t take anymore booze from my dad. I’ve gotten caught so many times that my parents keep their booze in their _room,_ locked in a _chest.”_

Kyle gave him a strange look but shook his head and began to think. “We could get someone to try to buy it for us.”

“We would most likely just run into someone we know — this town has like 10 people in it,” Craig said.

“We could just go in the liquor store and try — they might let us,” Kyle offered.

“I’ve tried that before. They didn’t let me… They knew who I was.”

“Maybe I could try…”

Craig scoffed.

Kyle looked over with squinted amber eyes. “What?” he asked.

“Please. If they know who I am, they’ll know you. You and your group of friends are practically the fucking entertainment for this town.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, but Craig was right. He and his friends had made their presence wildly known through the small population of South Park. He was extremely recognizable to the community, known to be underage.

“I guess you’re right.”

“Mmm. Yeah. Honestly, Broflovski? Think we are just better calling it a night and heading home.”

“That’s so lame.”  
  


“We aren’t getting liquor anywhere — there are no options.”

Kyle curled his fingers inside his green trapper hat, scratching through his red curls. He did not give up easily. He was stubborn. “There is one option,” he declared, returning his arm to his side and turning to Craig.

Craig looked down at him with a half-raised eyebrow. Kyle’s lips tugged into a half-smile, “my dad’s law office.”

“You want to… what? Break in?”

“It’s not breaking in if you know the office passcode.”

“No. I think it still is.”

Kyle rolled his eyes. “Are you in or not? Because I’m capable of going alone,” he challenged, narrowing his amber eyes.

Craig rose his shoulders and let out a breath. “ _Fine.”_

They traveled to the law office that resided in the middle of town on Main Street. Due to it being a Friday and the bar not being too far down the street, there were clutters of people surrounding them. As they targeted in on the law office, Craig looked up and down the street.

When they got there, Kyle hesitated.

“What?” Craig asked.

“So. I actually lied. I don’t know the passcode.”

“What the fuck, Broflovski?”

“But I think I can get it. My dad is _really_ dumb.”

“Won’t it set off the _alarm_? And like, _alert,_ the police?”

“Only if we get it wrong three times…”

Craig groaned, dragging a hand across his face. “Do you _ever_ think of the consequences of things? Consider what will happen — or do you always just _wing_ everything?”

“Shut up, Craig,” Kyle demanded. “Let me think…” he brought a finger to his chin. He thought it over for a moment, then decided to try his parents’ anniversary. He tapped the cold metal buttons, and after finishing the pin, an error message came up: _INCORRECT_.

“ _Fuck_.”

“Wow, I never thought you’d be stupid enough to try and do this.”

“Well, you’re here with me, so that makes you stupid too,” Kyle retorted, keeping his eyes on the pin pad. He sucked in an even breath. His dad was _the_ worst. He bet it had to do with his online troll persona; the best time of his life. He typed in _4242_ in honor of _Skankhunt42_ , his troll persona, and just as Kyle thought, it was correct.

_Access Granted_ the screen read.

Kyle sighed.

Craig smiled beside him. “Why do you look so down? You got it.”

“My dad is just _really_ stupid,” Kyle opened the door to the law firm, the taller male following behind him.

“Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree then.”

Kyle turned around to shoot him a glare. “You know I can just take this alcohol myself,” he stepped forward, getting in the other male’s face, amber eyes shooting back and forth. “I don’t have to share with you, seeming as I did all the work,” he taunted, shifting against the other male’s gaze.

Craig stared back, and _shit,_ Craig was different to taunt than Cartman. Getting in Cartman’s face was… all aggression and threat; all promise of violence to follow if he dared say another word, but getting in Craig’s face was hot breath and golden rings around his irises like the rings of Saturn. It was Craig staring down at him with drooping eyelids and a half-smirk, _enjoying_ this.

Kyle pushed him away and continued forward, sucking in a quick breath. He led them up the stair case to his father’s office which was _also_ locked. Fucking _great._ Kyle wrestled the doorknob with a groan before pressing his body against the stairwell’s wall.

“ _Fuck!”_

“Didn’t anticipate a second lock?” Craig smirked at him, tilting his chin down.

Kyle stared at him; annoyed by his annoyingly cocky and aloof attitude. “Guess you need me now, huh?” Craig taunted.

The stairwell was tight. Craig was practically in his face without even trying to be, only being two steps down from him. Kyle squinted his eyes, “you can pick a lock?”  
  


Craig shrugged. “You got a card I can use? Like one you don’t need?”

“Um,” Kyle mumbled, pulling out his wallet. He glided his hands over the flaps, searching. He pulled out a membership card to City Wok. He could just get another one from Kenny. He handed it to Craig. Craig stepped up, gently moving him out of the way so he could get closer to the door.

Kyle leaned against the wall, watching as the dark-haired male ran the card down the crack of the door, pressing his body against it and holding the doorknob with his other hand. He stayed quiet as he did his work. After a minute, the door fell open, Craig stumbling somewhat against it.

He shot Kyle a smirk and Kyle tried to hold his grimace, but failed as a small, impressed smile reached his lips as he descended up a couple steps to meet Craig inside his father’s office. They stood by the doorway, the door still open as Craig handed him back the bent card.

Kyle took it and placed it back in his wallet as he asked, “how did you know how to do that?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve forgotten my house key like… 30 times, so I had to figure out a way to get around that. You can basically get into anywhere like that, as long as there isn’t a deadbolt, or a security system, obviously.”

“Impressive,” Kyle commented as he pushed past him inside the room to scavenge for the alcohol.

He heard the door click behind him as he did so. “I would say more so a skill of survival, but thanks.”

Kyle found his father’s mini fridge and smirked to himself as he went for it. He pulled it open and found a couple of aged bottles of scotch. He pulled them out with a wicked smirk. He held them up to the boy and said, “viola!”

“Nice job, Broflovski. You have shown to be impressive yourself.”

“Thanks,” Kyle smiled, setting the bottles on his father’s desk.

“Won’t your dad notice they are gone though?”

“We can bring them back by the end of the night. He is probably too dumb to realize how much would be gone.”

“Or,” Craig said, stepping closer to the desk, “we just drink it _here,_ then put it back, and go back to Token’s to shove it in those assholes’ faces that we got drunk without them.”

A smile rose on the redhead’s face. “Wow, I didn’t realize you could be so vengeful.”

“Clyde’s powerpoint really pissed me off.”

“You didn’t seem that mad.”

Craig smirked. “What? Because I didn’t start threatening people, like you did?” he questioned with a raise of his eyebrow. With Craig right across the short distance of the desk, Kyle was yet again faced with the golden rings around his irises and the tiny dark freckle that sat below his right eye.

“Cartman deserves to be threatened every moment of his life.”

“That’s true,” Craig agreed with a chuckle.

A silence swelled between them. Craig eyed the scotch. Kyle swallowed, licking his lips. “Yeah. Yeah. Fuck them. Let’s drink and then rub it in their dumb, asshat faces,” he declared, twisting off the cap of the scotch bottle.

Kyle shot it back as Craig watched him. When he pulled the bottle from his lips, he scowled and shook his head at the strong taste. However it was better than most shit he’s had. He passed the bottle to Craig who took it reluctantly.

  
The taller boy stared at it with a slight frown. “Does your dad have like… a chaser?” he glanced to the redhead.

Kyle smirked. “I didn’t take you for such a pussy.”

He was met with a hazel glare before Craig brought the bottle to his lips, guzzling it down with a pinch to his eyebrows. Kyle could not help but laugh at the face the male made as he pulled the bottle away, his eyes shutting.

He shoved it back to Kyle, and he took it back, still laughing. He could already feel the heat to his cheeks; the insides of his mind swarming. He should sit down. He came around the desk and sat in one of the green sofa chairs that clients would usually sit at. Craig followed his actions, taking the seat beside him.

Hazel eyes were on him as he took another swallow of the aged scotch. The taste wasn’t as bad the second time. He managed to not wince as he pulled the bottle away. He passed it to the boy beside him, watching him amusedly.

Craig glared at him. “Do you have to watch me?”

“You watched me!”

Craig shook his head as he pressed the mouth of the bottle to his lips, gulping down the bitter liquid again with shut eyelids. He sighed as he brought it away from his lips and handed it back to Kyle.

Kyle waited a moment before taking another sip. His head felt heavier. He didn’t know how much he was taking down; no way to measure it, but he was definitely beginning to feel it. Craig stared back at him with pink cheeks.

“You’re so red,” Kyle mumbled to him.

  
“You’re _way_ more red,” Craig shot back with a chuckle.

“How would you even know? You can’t see your own face?” Kyle asked before he took down another gulp of the liquid.

He passed it back to Craig. Their fingers brushed in the process; their eyes didn’t leave each other.

“I just know there is no way I’m as red as you,” Craig retorted, taking a slurp of the scotch.

He handed it back. Kyle set it on his thigh, feeling as though he should slow it down. Probably. “Okay… we should probably… like _slow down,_ maybe.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re probably right… You are pretty smart… Honestly.” Craig touched his knee. It made his heart jump; nearly breaking his fucking ribcage. He couldn’t take his eyes off him. He probably hasn’t been able to since they stepped into the law office. He was just too fucking attractive. Too _easy_ to look at.

  
He leaned forward, “that’s probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me… You’re always so mean to me. You’re so… _grumpy,”_ Kyle pouted. “But yet everyone likes you anyways… because you’re _cute,_ so you think you can just do _whatever_ you want,” Kyle flung his head side-to-side in exasperation.

Craig gave him a toothy smile. “You think I’m cute? Huh?” he said.

Kyle blinked and shook his head slightly. “Um. I’m… I said what I said,” he shrugged. Craig’s hand was still on his knee. He glanced at it, then back at Craig, at the glimmer in his hazel eyes and how they occasionally dropped down to his lips.

“This stuff is pretty strong,” Craig mumbled, pulling back his hand from his knee with a laugh.

Kyle frowned. He took a deliberate, challenging sip, keeping eye contact with the boy in front of him. Craig’s eyes traveled down his face and he was highly aware he was staring at his lips. He pulled the bottle back and shoved it to Craig, “have more.”

Craig tilted his chin down, “I might… do something stupid if I do,” he glanced at the bottle, then Kyle.

“Maybe I want you to.”

Craig eyed him, then the bottle again, and took it. He took a sip. He didn’t give it back to Kyle, and instead set it on the desk. He stared at Kyle. He scooted closer and Kyle did the same. “I think you’re pretty cute too…” he mumbled, eyelids half-lid. “Sometimes I just want to say stuff to rile you up so you get in my face because it’s _really_ hot,” Craig began to laugh.

Kyle felt like he was in a trance; impossible to take his eyes off the noirette and his long dark eyelashes. He sucked in a breath.

“So, like… If you want me to stop being mean… You need to stop being _so_ hot, because… it’s _really_ hard to _not_ want to piss you off.”

A smile tugged on the corner of Kyle’s lips as he leaned forward. “Well… What about – when — now? What do you think of me now… I’m not pissed off now?” Kyle leaned closer, nearly hanging over the sofa chair as he hovered his face over Craig’s.

“Maybe it’s just whenever you’re all up in my face…” Craig lulled. “Or maybe… Just… Whenever. I guess all the time,” Craig breathed the words against him.

That was enough for him to lurch forward and press their lips together. Craig’s hand once again met his knee, his other hand cupping against his face. Kyle moved his arms so that one of his hands rested against the other’s shoulder blade and the other lined against his chin. Their lips continued to push and pull against each other; heating up and making his head dizzy.

Craig pulled off his hat to bury his fingers into his curls and slipped his tongue over his bottom lip. Kyle parted his lips farther, and Craig ran his tongue father into his mouth. Kyle leaned forward to deepen the kiss, to press their tongues together _more,_ and then _fell —_ tumbled onto the ground from the chair.

Craig began to cackle at him. Kyle shot him a glare, “asshole,” he remarked. He grabbed a hold of both his legs and pulled him down, Craig gasping and laughing as he did so. Soon the other boy was on the floor too, and Kyle’s lips were back on his own.

They laid there for the next thirty or forty minutes, making out, until one of their phones rang. It was Stan and he was wondering where they were. Kyle couldn’t keep himself from giggling as he responded. He could hear Stan huff and sigh, calling out to the rest of the group that they _found alcohol_ and _drank it already._

In the background, he could hear a choir of groans. He laughed again. Stan ended the call. “I guess we don’t even have to go back.”

“Good, I rather do this,” Craig pulled him back down, kissing him again.

They laid on the law office floor for most of the remainder of the night; going back once it hit midnight; Kyle’s curfew.

He ended up getting in trouble that night for coming home drunk, but as he got his two-week grounding, he decided it was well worth it, his lips still swollen red from all the kissing.


End file.
